Hello Hello Hello,
Let’s jump right into it.
Exiting a friendship, or any relationship for that matter, can be a very challenging thing to do. Because of this, I’m here to support you with
- (1) analyzing if you have a great friendship to begin with, and if not
- (2) when has the friendship moved beyond repair. Just like the movie, you should “Get Out!!!”
I consider myself sort of an expert in this area now because I have had to let a few friendships go or just die out for various reasons. You can read more about the characteristics of a healthy relationships and why some friendships didn’t last in one of my other posts. Here we will focus on the items where your “spidey senses” should be heightened. Which will result in the cause of some very targeted, decisive actions to be taken.
This Won’t Be Easy
I want to stress how difficult this can be. While I have experience in this area, that is not to make light of the fact that I experienced a loss. When you lose a friend due to circumstance, it can have you
- sad
- questioning where you went wrong
- why you wasted your time
- etc…
So, I’m here to give you some red flags, in hopes of identifying these toxic people in your life sooner than later. The goal is to build and foster successful relationships. So when you have one, it makes it that much more rewarding. And for some relationships, the only remedy is to LET IT GO!
Note: You shouldn’t stay in any relationship longer than your intuition (spirit, heart, mind, body & soul or whatever you want to call it) tells you to. I, personally, haven’t always been the perfect friend, either. Being self-reflective has allowed me to see my faults more clearly. You can find more on why self-reflection is so important.
Overall, you have to know when it’s time to have a sit-down, heart to heart in order to rectify some issues you’re having. Or when to “let sleeping dogs lie” and just make an exit, girlie. So, let’s jump right into the 1st sign you should exit a friendship. Trust is gone.
1. The Trust is Gone
Now, I don’t know about you, but trust is the most important thing in all my relationships, particularly a friendship. I say this because friends are the OPTIONAL relationships in our lives. We choose our friends (or they choose us). But at some point, we have to take at least partial responsibility for at least the maintenance of the relationship.
It’s extremely important to have people that
- have your best interest at heart
- are rooting for you
- you can trust
Friends, at times, know more about what’s going on with you than your family, and sometimes even your spouse! So, when that bucket of trust is empty, it’s time to reflect and make a decision to work on it or let it go, mama.
Trust is usually lost when there is some sort of betrayal in someone’s eyes. It could be something as “simple” (I know NOTHING about relationships are simple 😜 BUT) as not taking sides when two friends are arguing. This has actually happened to me before and it didn’t feel good having two people I cared about questioning me because I didn’t (and couldn’t at the time) take a side.
Well, actually now that I think about it, I positioned myself as the peacemaker. And in this cause I felt I would prolong getting to “peace” if I took a side. Now I know better than to do this!
The list is endless of ways someone can be disloyal to a friend. And you don’t need a host of people agreeing with you regarding your feelings as well. If I feel a way about something and you’re my friend, I’m going to take the time out to discuss it with you. Sometimes that may take a while, too. Don’t let anyone negate your feelings because the incident “happened yesterday and they’re over it.” Your feelings are YOUR feelings!
Trust can be rebuilt or a mistake can be forgiven. This is not to say that the minute you experience a betrayal that you run the other way. You may end up without any friends if you do this! The point is, trust is a huge factor in a healthy friendship. So take the time to work on and repair this before moving forward. If not, it will cause more problems in the future of the relationship.
2. Support isn’t there OR at the Level you Need it to be
All friends require some kind of support from one another at various stages. It could be:
- physical
- emotional
- spiritual
- financial
Support at its core is self-driven. A friend supports you because she wants to. She genuinely wants to see you happy. She loves you. So as life happens and you need someone to lean on. It’s obvious that your girls got you! But when and if this doesn’t happen, I know your first idea may be to react. I would say to follow these steps if this was to occur:
- get clear on what you’re feeling and why
- provide the space and opportunity to calm your emotions before engaging in a discussion
- articulate your feelings to your friend and the ‘why’ behind them
- make your judgment if the lack of support was on purpose
Following these steps will allow you to process your own feelings and then communicate them. As I mentioned, ending a relationship isn’t easy so you want to be certain of your conclusions.
3. Loyalty is Questionable
Loyalty is mostly based on the preconceived notions we all have on what it means to be a “true friend.” These ideas we have circulating in our head place real expectations on people that may or may not be aware of these said expectations. This is why it’s important to communicate what you want, your thoughts and ideas, and most importantly, when things go awry.
In this case, your friend is fully aware of what you want and expect from the relationship. When you have to question someone’s loyalty to you, it can be a very eye-opening and hurtful process. No one wants to go through this. But it only happens with the people you have in your inner circle, otherwise you probably wouldn’t care how loyal someone was to you, RIGHT?.
Loyalty is challenging to surface between you and your friend alone. From my experience, there’s usually a third party involved in some way. All in all, miscommunications or playing the telephone game (where messages are passed between people), will only lead to more confusion. I recommend the following:
- have a sit-down with your friend (one-on-one)
- you both air out your feelings and desires for moving forward
- bring in the 3rd party (if necessary or applicable) to re-establish clarity and the way forward
4. Reciprocity
Having a solid friendship is based on the ability for each person to be there for the other person, especially when you’re needed most. If a friend is shaky in the area of giving the type of support that is given to her, then you may want to evaluate if this friendship is worth your time and effort.
Great friendships provide an arena for give and take from both parties, not where one is giving and one is taking. In this case, it ends up being a draining relationship for one side, while the other person is not learning from their mistakes or reaping the consequences of their actions. They’re being bailed out of that life lesson by someone who is just being a good friend (or at least think they are)!
Don’t let this be you!
Be a Great Friend…
Be a great friend and establish great relationships, but don’t allow someone to take advantage of your big heart and drain you in the process. This can lead to resentment, and then taking that resentment into new friendships.
From the start, be open and honest with your friend about the reasons you make great friends, and/or the challenges of your friendship (if there are any). This dialogue will put all the cards on the table and strengthen the relationship of two people headed in the same direction. Or it can be an eye-opener that perhaps this relationship is not one you want to have in your life anymore.
Having successful, healthy relationships in your life is a foundational aspect of loving yourself. You love yourself enough to remove toxic situations and people from it! You can love people from afar because not everyone is at the same place in their journey through life. So, own who you are and where you’re at, baby girl! The person in the driver’s seat is YOU. You have the authority to allow or reject others based on your own priorities, which can change over time and that’s OK. Some will ride the waves with you, while others with wipe out!
Vibe on this while you evaluate your friendships…
