HELLO LOVERs (Ladies Organically Vibing and Encouraging Relationships),
Friendship: A relationship that is established and built on over time through key life experiences. You tend to know if you’d like to build a friendship with someone almost immediately. It all starts with a “vibe,” right? And the more you spend time with that person, either the vibe gets stronger, or it begins to fizzle out. As the vibing progresses, that relationship then requires nurturing to become a full blown friendship.
WooHoo!!! Look at you making friends and stuff…
Friendships can be some of the most defining relationships in your life! I, personally, have never had an issue making friends. My issues have always rested in keeping friends, which we’ll get into a bit of that today. So, stay tuned for the juicy details!!!
If you’re like me, you’re possibly
- open to new friendships and experiences with new people
- want to possibly have more new friendships or experiences with new people
- OR simply want to spend some time thinking about and analyzing your current friendships
Then keep reading to see what being a good friend is all about. My research on this topic centers around my ability and inability to maintain certain friendships throughout my lifetime. According to my assessment, the six healthy friendship characteristics are:
- Loyalty
- Trust
- Support
- Quality Time
- Communication
- Growth over Time
My core group of friends are back in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York. (What up, son?!?!? 🤣) But I currently live in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. Each friendship I have is unique, and has had it’s share of ups and downs. At the core of all these relationships, the six characteristics have been present. And this is the reason why I cherish my friendships so very much!
Let’s get a clearer picture of what each characteristic entails.
#1 Loyalty
There is one thing that all friendships must have and that is loyalty. Loyalty is subjective and there are various ways to demonstrate this. I have been in situations with friends whom questioned my loyalty at some point or another and vice versa. This is never a good situation to be in because you basically are put in a position where you have to prove your loyalty, which can feel like you’re on a friendship trial. And no one wants to be on trial…I know I didn’t! 😡
Friends can demonstrate loyalty in a number of ways. Some of which are:
- Proclaiming your friendship publicly
- Standing up for a friend
- Being there when your friend is going through a tough time/needs you most (albeit physically, emotionally, financially, or spiritually)
When you know better, you do better. There was one friend, Tiffany, that I am sad to say we allowed outside scenarios and people to come in between our relationship. This, in turn, had us questioning our loyalty to one another. We stopped speaking for a bit of time (time we’ll never get back, which makes me sad when I really think about it). In the end, we mutually decided to move on from the past and were able to re-build our thriving friendship again.
I want to add that, friendships don’t always end up with a happy ending. Let’s take a look at this when we talk about trust.
#2 Trust
Trust is at the heart of all relationships. Trust is one of those things that when you have it, you don’t really think to much about it. But when you don’t, it’s usually at the core of every single issue you have with that person.
For example, take my friend Samantha, a very sweet and helpful girl. Trust being my important characteristic in a friend, I could not help but notice when Samantha would say certain things about her other ‘friends.’ And that rubbed me the wrong way completely!
My experience has taught me that if you have a friend that can speak ill or tell YOU their other friend’s business, chances are she’s doing the exact same thing to you! And who wants a friend like that?!?!?
This is when you have to think about everything you say and do because you’re not sure if she’s betraying your trust and telling someone else, too. At least this is how my brain works, particularly when it comes to those same ‘friends’ she’s telling you about! Because of this, and a couple of things that occurred, had me wondering if I could trust Samantha AND questioning her ability to truly support me emotionally.
#3 Support
A supportive friend to me is like having a white, plush down comforter on a cold, winter night (I just ❤️ me a nice, comfy blanket 😴). A supportive friend is just what you want to have in your time of need!
This is one aspect of a friendship that takes it to the next level, especially in the very beginning. Having someone there for you when you are going through good, and especially bad times, is super important for a healthy friendship. A friend’s support is warranted during the following times:
- Advice on EVERYTHING
- Life Goals
- A New ANYTHING
- Key Decisions
- Business Venture
- Difficult Times: Death, Divorce/Break-up
- Life Changing Moments: Marriage/New Relationship, Children, Illness
- And Many More
One other important piece of information I want to share about support is: Support needs to be delivered in the manner in which the person it desires OR is willing to receive it. As a friend, you have to take a step back and not give the advice that YOU would want to hear. But rather, knowing your friend as you do, try to give them what they want/need in that moment.
And if you don’t know what that is, that’s OK. JUST ASK! I know I have always appreciated when a friend asks, “Can I do anything?” or “Do you need anything?” Most times I wouldn’t even know if I needed anything, but then it’s on me to figure out what I need at that particular time. This way, you don’t end up annoying more than helping when that was not your intention.
#4 Quality Time
Similar to all other relationships, you must spend quality time with your friends to keep the relationship thriving. For me, being physically away from my friends is a difficult thing because we definitely don’t get to spend much quality time together being 6,689 miles apart.
We all attempt to keep in touch with all the things that’s going on, but life is much busier for us with our careers, kids, and spouses. This is one area I am always trying to do better. We dedicate time to the things that are important to us. And my friends are important to me, I just don’t get to show them that all the time.
I say all that to say, invest your time and energy into the things and relationships that matter most to you. This will show the people in your life that they are a significant part of it.
#5 Communication
It almost goes without saying that healthy friendships require you to be communicating. My friendships now don’t rely heavily on communicating frequently (at least not like back in the day). But when we do communicate, it’s like we haven’t missed a beat! We thrive on the notion that “no news is good news,” which can be detrimental to some friendships. But it works for us at this stage in my life.
No day is the same for me. I tell myself on days I am being a great friend, I may not be a great wife, mom, or educator or vice versa. And for me, I have made my peace with this idea. I cannot be everything for everyone. And you shouldn’t feel an obligation to be that either!
We have to give love and attention to the things matter most. It just won’t look the same each and everyday. Make communication an important aspect of your relationship. But don’t allow it to neglect your other important relationships or responsibilities. A good friend wouldn’t allow you to do this to yourself on their behalf anyway!
#6 Growing Together
This right here is the pinnacle of all successful friendships: the ability to grow together as you move through various phases of your life. Here is where you get to see who people really are and where you stand in their life. As you learn and grow in life, your priorities and desires change, particularly when you move from one phase to another. Some examples of phase changes are:
- High school to college
- College to grad school/workforce/back home
- single to relationship
- single to married
- solo to having children
- unemployed to employed or vice versa
- married to divorce or vice versa
- healthy to ill or vice versa
Some folks can’t cope with your growth or lack there of, and that, my dear is OK! We can’t have everyone in our lives forever. This makes me think about my friend, Natalie. We were the best of friends and then due to some key life changes in both of our lives, our friendship began to fizzle. From my perspective, I felt that I was being judged with the decisions I was making for myself.
As a friend (or any normal person), you cannot force anyone to feel or think the way you do. That person has their own brain and perspective. This honestly should be what you want in a friend, not a replica of yourself! How will you grow? Be pushed to do things you keep talking about? See things in another way? Yes, you can do all of these things on your own, but the chances are slim without another perspective on things. And why would you want to do them on your own when you have a great friend in your corner always rooting for you and your happiness?!?!?
My relationship with Natalie was probably the most hurtful friendship to let go of due to the fact we had a lot of history together and I never imagined going through life without her. I can’t honestly say that time has healed these wounds, but what I can say is that I have forgiven myself for my role in the friendship breakdown.
I’ve been working on forgiveness as part of my New Year’s Resolution. I would be open to a conversation with Natalie. But so much time has passed now, I’m uncertain that the friendship could be salvaged. Nonetheless, I am open to it and the process of healing. So, there I put that out into the universe!
I’ll keep you posted if anything changes in this department with any of the friends I mentioned here.
Making and keeping a friend is a two way street. Any relationship you want to be successful needs to be nurtured. This includes friendships, yourself, your spouse, family, etc. It all takes time and energy. Greatness doesn’t just happen, no matter who may want you to believe otherwise.
If the relationship is worth it, you will put in the work to sustain it. Remember this as you make friends, especially in adulthood. Life is busy so it’s very easy to NOT make a friend, or have the energy. But I challenge you, and MYSELF, invest a bit of time of harvesting a relationship with someone you think is “cool” and see where it goes. The worst thing that’ll happen is that you’ll keep the wonderful friends you have now OR make a new friend!!!
Try it and see how it goes…
What he said, DO IT! “There is no try.”
On another note, the names of my friends have been changed to protect their privacy. But if any of you stumble on this and want to react or reflect about anything I said, I am open to a discussion 🤗.
Remember to spread love, LOVERs! Let me know which characteristic of a healthy friendship that’s most important to you and why. I look forward to hearing from you.
Shout out to all the healthy friendships…Vibe to this as you’re hanging out next time.
